In which I talk about my gender (and how I don't know what it is)

[morethanx]

I am tired and it is late, so this post may be less than eloquent in places.

I have no idea what my gender identity is. Before I started learning more about non-binary genders, if someone asked me if I was boy or girl I would say girl. Not because that's what I felt like inside, but because I had 'girl parts'. I don't have any body dysphoria (which I am grateful for), I don't mind if people refer to me as female or use female pronouns. I present (in summer at least) as a not particularly feminine female - no make up, hair tied back (long because I just haven't bothered to get it cut for a few years), trousers all year round and a patterned top.

Thing is, I don't feel particularly like a girl. What does feeling like a girl feel like anyway? In winter I dress more like you'd expect a male to - guy hoodies and jeans, but that's mainly motivated by the fact that hoodies are warm and comfy and I like them (for more casual settings anyway.) Being in a dress or something more 'girly' makes me feel very uncomfortable - it just isn't me. I don't think I'd care if someone referred to me with male or gender neutral pronouns (except zer - it makes me think of someone saying 'their'in a dodgy non specific European accent), but it's never happened so I can't know for sure. I've never really thought about gender before - I've just felt like me, rather than 'I am me and I am female'. Is it relevant that I don't like being called a woman (I prefer female or girl).

So all in all, I have no idea if I'm cis and just not particularly girly, or I'm actually closer to agender. Can you be in between the two? Can anyone help me figure this out? What's it like to feel like a girl, boy, or neither? I don't know if a part of it is being ace (and thus not thinking of myself in a look-pretty-to-attract-someone way), or something else.

Comments

[nami_roland]

Ever heard the term demigirl? It's basically someone who feels a sort of vague association with the idea of being a girl but not really enough to be fully one. The wiki article isn't too expansive, unfortunately, but it's here if you're interested: http://yada.wikia.com/wiki/Demigirl.

[morethanx]

No, I hadn't heard of that. Looks like further reading may be required. To the library! And by 'the library' I mean the internet.

[kaz]

Is it relevant that I don't like being called a woman (I prefer female or girl)

Interestingly enough, I'm the same way and I seem to remember that when I mentioned this on the yadaforum other people agreed. (ETA: all of us nonbinary, I mean) In fact, my dislike of the term "woman" and problems associating it with me was part of what originally spurred me to look into nonbinary stuff.

I identify with a lot of what you say here (although there's differences as well - I strongly dislike being gendered male and have a sense that I'm *not male*, which is... hard to describe, sorry). It even sounds as if we have the same sort of appearance XD although that's... tricky, in that how you present doesn't have to have anything to do with gender (e.g. there are butch and femme people of all genders) but it can? I think for me it does, anyway - that the way I dress is sort of me trying to go for a medium between a feminine presentation and a neutrois one that doesn't exist :/ and that I do often feel sort of... weird when I dress more femininely. As if I'm dressing up, somehow.

If you're looking for a place to sort out genderstuff, especially how genderstuff intersects with asexuality (I'm pretty sure mine does although I'm not sure how - I /do/ get bodily dissonance, in that my breasts feel as if they're not meant to be there and I'd prefer to have a body sans genitalia, and that seems to be a very ace thing) I highly recommend the yadas as a very friendly group of primarily ace primarily nonbinary people who helped me through my gender questioning period. :)

[morethanx]

I strongly dislike being gendered male and have a sense that I'm *not male*
I have a similar feeling (which on re-reading I didn't make clear in my original post) but it's more a feeling of I don't care how you refer to me as it doesn't change how I feel. Unfortunately I can only speculate that I wouldn't mind being referred to with male pronouns, as asking friends to start calling me 'he' etc would get a whole lot of questions that I have neither the inclination or self knowledge to answer.

how you present doesn't have to have anything to do with gender (e.g. there are butch and femme people of all genders) but it can?
I usually dress in a way that reflects me (like most people probably do) and dressing in feminine things gives me a feeling of 'this doesn't feel like me'. Some clothes I think are really pretty but I know if I tried to wear them I'd get that feeling, so I don't bother with them (hopefully that makes sense).

I shall definitely take a look, thank you.